Existential Crisis: I'm Having One

It struck me the other day (like a ton of shit house bricks) that I am malcontent.

Am I having a midlife crisis? A psychotic break? I don't know. What I do know is I have developed - or have likely always had - a fear of being ordinary.

Now I can't go out and buy a Maserati (like, ever) or jump out of a plane or go deep sea diving off the coast of Dahab (within the foreseeable future). Nor can I garner a mistress (well.. wait.) But I can change what I can reach and I can do what I've always thought of doing, or even whatever I gave a split second thought to doing. And why not? Because fuck you all. That's why. Who cares what anyone else thinks? So fuck you and your preconceived notions of who I should be.

I realized I barely recognize myself.

It's not the lines on my face (that I don't have. Truth, bitches.) or the weight I've put on my frame (which I do have). It's not anything physical that I can put a finger on. It's a feeling that I'm missing out on life, that it's moving too fast and I'm so far behind. It's feeling like I want something different but don't know how to go about getting it, or even what it is I want.

But I do know. At least in part. I want to be who I used to be. So welcome me back.

On a side note, I used to work as a dietary aid when I was in my early 20s at a nursing home. I was happier then. I don't know exactly why nor does it particularly matter. What's mildly (and irrelevantly) ironic is that I got my nose pierced while I worked there. I'm currently a night shift nurse at the same home. And I did a thing.

Who doesn't love Snapchat?

That's for another post.

Also ironic (possibly relevant) is I had never heard Jekyll and Hyde (Five Finger Death Punch) and it just came on as I'm posting this. Thank you, Spotify.

There's just so much goddamned weight on my shoulders
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside


George Zimmerman & Trayvon Martin

I didn't follow this case nor do I care to bother reading about it. It's all the same. The remedy is simple, people.


That is all.


Some People Are So Distasteful That Even Dipping Them In Chocolate Couldn't Make Them Tolerable

Sometimes, I am this person. Typically, though, I attract these people instead. Reason would conclude that we all are, indeed, what we attract. Deep huh?

My blog recently received a review stating: Nice looking blog although no reason for anyone to visit..

I say to this reviewer, fuck you.

Back when I started this blog, I ranted and raved, I cyber stomped my pretty little feet (and I do have pretty little feet), and I raged to high hell about everything from work to school, friends to exes, daily bullshit to absolute nothingness. And I was liked better, then. Why? Because readers could commiserate with my anger, frustration, and all around unhappiness. I appealed to the miserable masses. Lucky you.

In some ways, I'm not that person anymore. In other ways, I'm more that person than I ever have been. I still get angry and frustrated, and while I can't say I'm truly happy, I also can't say that I have the desire to appeal to the misery in others. Why? Because I have realized that you all are not the type of people I wish to attract. To the Miserable Masses, I also say fuck you. And pity party on without me.

If you can't bring "better" into my life, then stay out of it altogether.

In other news: Just typing this title has made me crave chocolate.


We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

For a Vixen Moment that you're probably not used to seeing. Here goes: There comes a day in everyone's life when their self esteem skyrockets. I'm not talking little hot air balloons filled with steamed air from windbag bullshitters, I'm talking the day we each personally realize just how far we've come and how much we're truly worth. You will gauge every following moment in your life for its worthiness to garner your attention.

In this moment I segue to my last night's activities, and say Thank You to Kabrielle and G. Thank you for being my friends.

That saccharine moment wasn't too difficult to spit out!


No, oh few devout readers of my blog, I haven't lost my edge. I promise.

In other news, you may note the counter to your right that's was tracking a countdown. It's now counting up. I completed my FIRST 5K! And boy, have I gotta story for you!

I drive to Kabrielle's, we gear up (and when I say 'gear up' I mean hot Bad Ass Ballerina tanks and rockin' tutus!), and head for the spot where it all begins. What we didn't count on is misjudging the start time. We both (no, Kabrielle, it wasn't just you) thought it was 8:30a. We arrived at 8:00 like the perfectly punctual Bad Ass Ballerinas we are, and alas, the race is beginning! We were late. We found parking and leapt out of the car and ran.. to where the START line should have been. There wasn't one. K. asked where we were supposed to start, there was some dramatic gesturing and pointing and inaudible dialogue, and so we ran. Technically, I figure we blew everyone else out of the water because we totally ran farther than anyone else in this race, but whatever. Since missing the START line, our time was skewed. I clocked in at 47:34. Now, you know I must be telling the truth here, because when have you known me to run a 15:19 mile? NEVER! Because even if I ever have, I wouldn't tell you about it, duh.

Anyway, it was FANTASTIC. I knew I loved running, I knew I was excited (and deeply freaked out) by my first 5k, I was even afraid I'd hate it and then what would I do? Run in the streets, without my name in Race Results posted on the internet for everyone to see? No, thanks. We all know how I like my attention, right?

Our next run is July 6th. It's 4th of July themed, obviously. Little red sparkle skirts, stars and stripes knee highs, glitter headbands, and I'm going to find body glitter by then too. The Bad Ass Ballerinas are going to rock that one as well. And this time, we'll even be on time.


Backdated Day 10 (Bastard Internet)

Internet wouldn't cooperate again last night (the 10th) so I'm backdating this post. Work is pissing me off, again. I'm not doing very well on my vow to run 5x a week. Boo. That is all.

30 Days of Blog


30 Days of Blog - Day 9 (Day of Fasting)

Yeah. I missed yesterday. I came home from work and the 'net wouldn't connect. My deepest apologies, but the attempt was made!

I did a juice/water/coffee fast today. It was fabulous! Ok, not really fabulous, but I do feel a bit better.

30 Days of Blog


30 Days of Blog - Day 7 (And May Your Evening Run be Filled with Honeysuckle and Chocolate Chip Cookies)

I ran 7.19 miles last night and aside from the nasty car emission stench and even worse summer BBQ smells I got to run through areas with the sweet scent of honeysuckle and even sweeter aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. How fabulous is that?!

So, Day 7, geez.. I'm going to have more patience at work and not want to stab anyone with a hypodermic, you know, when it's not actually necessary.

30 Days of Blog