The Day They tried to Off Me

My sonogram was normal. My female bits are fine. I now have a doctor bill, all of the pain, and none of the answers. I had to call twice this morning to get the results, they still weren't in the first time. I speak to my doctor's nurse who I ask "does this mean it's my back or could there still be some internal organ in there about to explode?" she tells me "it's hard to tell" but that I am to go to the ER this weekend if it gets worse. Aye-aye cap'n. No problem. They prescribe drugs. I like drugs. Only prescribed drugs, and probably a little too well. I have them call it in to the hospital pharmacy because by this point I'm about ready to take a bottle of muscle relaxers and chase it with some vodka. My pain has graduated from pain to 'holy sweet jesus' in a matter of a couple days. I head to the pharmacy and come away with Ultracet. Yay! I'm thrilled... I take a bright orange pill, put the bottle in my locker, and head to the office to get a drink. While I was in there I made small talk with Kris who I ask if she's ever taken Ultracet. It said it may cause drowsiness but that was the least of my worries as long as it helped with the pain. She says no, but offers to look it up for me. I read the page she prints out (same as the link above) and what does it say but not to take with an SSRI such as Prozac. Yeah, I take fucking Prozac. Why can they not be taken together? Let's ask the pharmacist that I went back to talk to.. "when taken with Prozac, Ultracet raises the risk of seizure" says he. He calls my doctor and while it's ringing he says "I can't recommend you take that." Oh don't worry dude, it ain't happening. Needless to say the doctor is unavailable and is to return his call. I head back to work after giving him the Ultracet bottle back, still in pain, but now glad to be alive.

I call the pharmacy extension on my next break and he tells me my prescription's been changed and is ready for pick up. I hobble to the pharmacy and am handed a bottle of Etodolac (ee toe doe' lak). Learning my lesson well last time I asked "now, can I take this with Prozac?" Out comes another pharmacist to explain to me that as long as I don't have internal bleeding or stomach ulcers I have no need to worry about hemorrhaging. Yay! And yes, it's safe with Prozac, but I must take it with food or my stomach will revolt and cause me much pain.

I grab a bag of animal crackers out of the vending machine, eat a few on the way up the elevator to the 3rd floor, get sick of them since I'm not hungry anyway due to the stress/pain and eat only about 1/4th of the bag, pop a half a pill like the bottle says and 15 minutes later have stomach cramps. Ok, this is nothing, I used to be anorexic and am fairly alright with stomach pain. Then the hiccups start. Bad hiccups. Like chest crushing hiccups. So now my back hurts, my stomach hurts, I have 4 more hospital room checkouts to do (big work) and I now have the goddamned hiccups. I sit on the floor for a few minutues thinking it'll pass and it does. The cramps let up quickly but are replaced with mild nausea and my back didn't hurt quite as bad as I dragged myself off of the floor, but I had the hiccups for the next hour. Yeah, the next fucking HOUR.

I get about a third of the way through the current checkout, when I'm notified that the "person in 17 had an accident all the way from the bed to the bathroom" now mind you I'm nauseous, I haven't eaten today except for the crackers, I still hurt although not as bad, the extractor is fucking heavy, and I'm desperately needed to go clean shit off the carpet. I go downstairs to get the extractor and back up to the room. It's a mess. Lucky for me, and everyone around me, it's the nurses job to clean up the chunks. I'm left with stains. I get in, gag, turn on the extractor, coat the floor with soapy disinfectant and am perfectly fine in about 30 seconds. It takes me about 20 minutes to clean. I go back to the room I had already started and finish it with no further real trouble until I find myself in the bathroom staring into the mirror flipping the switch off and on to watch my pupils dilate. Yeah, that's some good shit. I'm glad no one saw.

1 comment:

JDV said...

Your doctor is smart!

I really think in your case Thursday should be Vix day. You should be allowed to stay at home all day because in the two years that I have known you something fucked up has happened every Thursday.