6.23.2007

Shaken, Not Stirred V. II

Please refer to Shaken, Not Stirred. Yeah. This was worse. Worse how, you ask? I was alone when this one surfaced. I stepped into my kitchen, flipped on the light, and lo and behold there was this thing on my wall. I'm normally a pretty calm person. Ok not really, but by comparison to tonight I am. There was this massive beetle on the wall. Massive I say. I grabbed a tupperware container (like last time) and went to slam it over the damned thing -

I was very proud of myself for this because I'm terrified of beetles and I didn't give myself time to think it out before acting because I knew I'd chicken out -

when it ran, with the speed of a cockroach. This was when I knew my worst fears were confirmed. I had a cockroach. And not any cockroach but a two inch long, mutated, able to eat a small dog cockroach.

___________________ < I kid you not. And that doesn't include his antennae which were likely another inch long.

On the bright side, if I had more than one I'd know it as there would no longer be room in my house for my dog and I.

Anyway, it ran up beneath my kitchen counter and waited. I had a breakdown. Seriously. I texted JDV for moral support, called Rydar and asked him to come rid my life of this disgusting creature (he said "I'm not driving all the way back over there for a fucking bug!"), snapped a few digital pictures, resized and uploaded them. I shall now share the fear and disgust with you:

Mutant Demon Beetle
Mutant Demon Beetle II

I called my Mommy.

I showed JDV the beetle pictures, to which he said "i care about you i think i should tell you the truth even though its bad", confirming that it's a cockroach. I then spent the next two hours trying to psych myself up for the battle. A visual:

Here's me
Here's Dingo
Here's the Mutant Demon Beetle (III)

Yeah, I'm obviously the only one traumatized here. Mom reminded me I have a sticky trap in my pantry from when I had the mouse in here. She suggested I bait the trap, shut off the lights and wait for the Mutant Demon Beetle (MDB) to come out. It was a great idea till she asked me "what would a bug that size eat?"
"No way Mom, I'm not sacrificing Dingo!"
What the hell could I put on a sticky trap that my dog wouldn't eat??

I'll have you all know that my Mother is about as useless as I am with such things.

I remember once mom had these huge black water bugs in her basement and she put down those sticky traps and caught a couple and went down the next day and they were gone.. She swears they were pulling each other off of those traps, and even moving the traps around.

I thought she was crazy, but now I'm not so sure.

At 1:35 this a.m. I decided to make my move. I snapped a few more pictures:

Me
Dingo
Mutant Demon Beetle IV
Mutant Demon Beetle V
Mutant Demon Beetle VI

I geared up: put on shoes and tucked my pant legs inside just in case it decided to run up my leg. I broke out the Spic and Span Everyday -

And I'm not the only one that likes it. In fact, I'll go this following review one better when I say it is now my favorite product on the planet:

You can use Spic and Span Everyday cleaner on floors, walls and appliances, as well as spots on the carpet or stainless steel sinks. Not to mention anywhere a cockroach may roam. The spray effectively kills staphylococcus aureus, salmonella typhi, and escherichia coli. And immobilizes cockroaches. When using Spic and Span, spray the surface, wipe clean, rinse cloth and wipe again.
When using on cockroaches, spray and continue spraying, violently and without remorse. Spic and Span makes sure that you not only have a germ-free kitchen, but a germ-free bathroom as well. I use it on the floors, sink, tub, toilet, shower stall and even the floor. It makes me feel confident that the areas are clean and disinfected. And all cockroaches are sparkly clean and smelling like freshly sliced oranges

grabbed a dust pan and my sticky trap, laced my trash can with a bag and headed back to the kitchen. I clicked my phone to "speaker" and sat Mom's disembodied voice down on a chair. The war began.

Twenty minutes later I don't recall much. I think I may have blacked out. Mom remembers that there was much screaming, many obscenities, and a bit of hyperventilation due to hysteria. I remember it that the little huge fucker ran along the rim of the trash can, along the edge of my counter, down the wall, up the wall. When I knocked him into the trash can with the dust pan he climbed back out. I knocked him back in. Out. In. Out. The sticky trap was useless as I quickly learned after getting a fortune cookie from day before yesterday stuck to it from accidentally tapping it on the counter in a moment of panic that it would do nothing but stick the goddamned bug to the edge of the trash can. This would be no good because I still had to tie the damned thing. Tightly.

Mom's in the background and I can hear her laughing hysterically. So not funny. Such support.

Finally I knock the roach down into the bottom of the trash can and as he's bolting back towards the top I grab the Spic and Span Everyday and spray the roach frantically and he falls back to the bottom of the bag. I repeat this process.. well, repeatedly.. until there is a puddle of Spic and Span in the bottom of the bag and the cockroach is swimming. I watched for a short period while my Mom is saying "maybe you should start your own pest control company!" followed by a no breathing period of raucous laughter. I drop in the sticky trap and carry the trash can out to my front porch where I also drop in the dust pan and tie the bag as tightly as I could. I was terrified it was going to run back up the side while I was tying the bag, but I had come this far and I wasn't going to give up now. I then carried the bag, trash can and all, around to the back of my house and dropped the bag in the poly cart and slammed the lid. I left the trash can on my front porch.

Back inside I apologize profusely to my dog who I yelled at to "get the fuck outta the way!" a time or three during my battle. Final visual update:

Me
Dingo

I showered. For a long time. And then sat down here to share my distressing story and triumphant victory.

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