Trophy Man

I've decided this is what I need. Everywhere I go, I'm running into people I don't care to see - ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, enemies, you know - trash. Now, unfortunately and stupidly, it makes a greater impact when you have someone magnificent on your arm. So here's what I'm looking for:

A man that is so gorgeous that others look at him and wonder why he's not on a pedestal somewhere. He has to be tall, totally hot (of course) - no skinny bony underfed men, of the minimum age of 35, and successful-looking (I don't care if you really are or not). You have to act like I'm the greatest thing on the planet and you are totally infatuated with me (this shouldn't be difficult). You must be available at the last minute and/or whenever I call, and you must be willing to go anywhere I choose. I will gladly pay my own way, wherever we go, but you are to make it look like you are.. And it never hurts to flash some cash. You must be tough enough to withstand any robbery attempts that may occur. It would ruin everything if you got your ass kicked or if I had to defend you. In case of this, I would probably walk away as if I didn't know you, or join the surrounding crowd in cheering your opponent on. It's a bonus if you drive a nice car - but if you don't, we can take mine, or you can rent one. I love Lexus by the way.

This arrangement is potentially reciprocal. Likewise, if we run into someone you hate (or your friends for that matter), I will also pretend you're wonderful, and laugh at all your stupid jokes. I will hang on your arm and bat my eyelashes, or play footsie with you beneath the table, and any other bimbo-like behavior that you prefer - but only where the party-to-impress can see.

Should you ever get the false impression that I'm interested in you, don't. I'm not looking for a man of my own here, merely somebody to show off. Sex is not a likely possibility, so don't assume entitlement or even desire on my part - this is all an act. If you have tattoos and a nice back, your chances are increased, but still fairly nil - unless you turn out to truly be a desirable companion that is worthy of my attention. Again, this is unlikely as my standards and stipulations are inconceivable and very likely beyond your means.

Also, I will consider more than one candidate, as just one may not be able to maintain my pace.

Remember, this is a win-win situation. For both, or all, of us. Treat it like any other business arrangement.

If interested, please contact me at scalvak@gmail.com with your qualifications and skills.


ServMe said...

My checklist

Tattoos : check
Nice car : it has wheels and seats two, so... check :)
Tall : check
Hot : only when it's sunny
Skinny boned : no
Underfed : no
Age : check (barely though)

Your part of the deal :
Bimbo behaviour : wtf? No!
Hang on arm : erm... no!
Pretend to like jokes : yikes, fake!

I don't think I'd match your criteria, but that's ok. You don't match mine either. Now if you brought in your own sarcastic self with the wits and smart assed comments, I probably would be interested, lol. Fake bimbo's are everywhere, so pretending to be one won't cut it here.


Vixen said...

I didn’t know men had criteria beyond female, willing and able!

While you fulfill some of my requirements, are you also available, successful-looking, at my beck and call, tough enough to withstand robbery attempts, and able to act as if I’m the greatest thing on the planet?

Also, it may come as a surprise, but I tend to be a bit ill-mannered and lippy. You may need to be able to defend me against the masses as well.

Now your requirements – the logical question would be, can you hold your own with the wits, sarcasm, and smart assed comments?

ServMe said...

Oh, you're so wrong about men not having criteria though the three you list go a long way. I'm all about the smarts and wits though... you can't fuck like rabbits all the time and then what? I need a woman that can hold her own on both counts.

The availability is no problem on the personal level, but geographically speaking, it could be a bit of a challenge.

Measuring success is a highly subjective venture, but if having a full time job making good money and owning my own place is a start, I'm half way there already.

Being at your beck and call, that'll remain to be seen though. If you are looking for a fierce puppy, I suggest you get one. It'll defend you from robbers, drool at your feet and think you're the best and greatest anyway. I'll only do the defending and drooling. The rest you'll have to prove, as I'm pretty bad at pretending things.

No surprises on the other count and revengeful masses are always fun to deal with.

When it comes to wits and smarts, I hold my own - verbal sparring and word games are a highly valued quality to me.

Vixen said...

For starters, “oh, you’re so wrong”, is not what I’d like to hear from my Trophy Man.

Next, I’m entirely unsure about the male’s ability to hold his own in “fucking like rabbits”, seeing as when the male rabbit is finished, he falls off and passes out – much like the human male, hahaha…

Anyway, I’m not confident that you meet my requirements of the Trophy Man. I’m not concerned about your inability to pretend things, since acting as if I’m the best thing on the planet, wouldn’t require any make believe. I’m more concerned about your ability to think for yourself.

Attributes such as defending and drooling (which I’m calling an attribute because I love big, well-trained dogs) aren’t suitable for Trophy behavior because of the emotional attachment potential. I have no interest in being attached to the Trophy Man because with him, I’m looking for obedience, and normally that disgusts me.

Being at my beck and call would clearly prove to be a challenge, due to geographic differences, as you pointed out. On the other hand, you may find me, and I you, far more tolerable from such a great distance, lol. Although I would imagine you have quite an accent, being on the other side of the world and all. That could work in your favor.

I already have a fierce puppy who thinks he runs the house and my shoes are his to chew on. This is not Trophy behavior. This is the behavior of a spoiled rotten little hellhound. I don’t usually find that men are better behaved than this, instead choosing my shoes as fetish props as well as chew toys. Although, the Trophy Man would most likely be one I could pat on the head while he’s sitting at my feet.

The fact that you’re not surprised that I’m ill-mannered and lippy, and you’re still talking to me, is another plus. But ultimately, due to your evident deficiency in taking orders, I’m afraid the current position on hand isn’t appropriate for you.

If you ever decide to dumb yourself down, you may reapply for the Trophy position.

ServMe said...

Accent? Could very well be, though I'm not French, lol.

I don't think the sleep after sex argument is entirely valid, no doubt women also fall asleep after sex, yet we get to live with the "fuck and sleep syndrome" connotation. Well, both tend to be amongst my favorite activities, so I'll carry the label proudly if I must. Give me a chance to prove you wrong - or right, lol?

I think we've both established a well documented case that I'm not a good Trophy Man, which is probably for the best. I won't be dumbing myself down though, so unless you have an opening for "witty guy in another continent that doesn't mind my wackiness and can think for himself" I won't be putting in a new application.

Oh, penis jokes are fun, even if you don't have facial hair. Nothing should ever be taken serious if you ask me, and that includes blood filled tissue that erupts white goo after manipulation.

Vixen said...

I don't! At least not often. I've gotten up and gone to clean the house before.. Painted my nails.. Once in awhile I'll get up and go home, but most usually, I'll just kick him out, no matter whose house we’re in. This may be exceptionally unkind in this case, since you live on another continent.

Women get all smooshy after sex, they like to do retarded things like "talk" and "cuddle". I'm not like that. Most of my post-coital period is spent attempting to get blood out of the sheets and untying knots, so shut up and don’t drip on the carpet!

Those are pretty strict guidelines you listed for another possible job opening. The other continent aspect would provide a bit of problem, considering “fucking and sleeping” are among your favorite activities. The former being the only one I really make much time for.

I do agree that penis jokes are fun, but you may be the first man I’ve met that thinks so. Just in one of my classes recently, a friend posted about a man whose penis was removed due to cancer. The class awwww-ed and pooooor guy-ed but nobody found it remotely humorous when I commented on every man’s nightmare being surgery with Dr. Bobbitt. Required compassion needed for nursing aid students and all that happy bullshit. I can’t be the only one that can appreciate the irony of a man having his penis removed. There has to be some deep Freudian meaning there.