I've decided this is what I need. Everywhere I go, I'm running into people I don't care to see - ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, enemies, you know - trash. Now, unfortunately and stupidly, it makes a greater impact when you have someone magnificent on your arm. So here's what I'm looking for:
A man that is so gorgeous that others look at him and wonder why he's not on a pedestal somewhere. He has to be tall, totally hot (of course) - no skinny bony underfed men, of the minimum age of 35, and successful-looking (I don't care if you really are or not). You have to act like I'm the greatest thing on the planet and you are totally infatuated with me (this shouldn't be difficult). You must be available at the last minute and/or whenever I call, and you must be willing to go anywhere I choose. I will gladly pay my own way, wherever we go, but you are to make it look like you are.. And it never hurts to flash some cash. You must be tough enough to withstand any robbery attempts that may occur. It would ruin everything if you got your ass kicked or if I had to defend you. In case of this, I would probably walk away as if I didn't know you, or join the surrounding crowd in cheering your opponent on. It's a bonus if you drive a nice car - but if you don't, we can take mine, or you can rent one. I love Lexus by the way.
This arrangement is potentially reciprocal. Likewise, if we run into someone you hate (or your friends for that matter), I will also pretend you're wonderful, and laugh at all your stupid jokes. I will hang on your arm and bat my eyelashes, or play footsie with you beneath the table, and any other bimbo-like behavior that you prefer - but only where the party-to-impress can see.
Should you ever get the false impression that I'm interested in you, don't. I'm not looking for a man of my own here, merely somebody to show off. Sex is not a likely possibility, so don't assume entitlement or even desire on my part - this is all an act. If you have tattoos and a nice back, your chances are increased, but still fairly nil - unless you turn out to truly be a desirable companion that is worthy of my attention. Again, this is unlikely as my standards and stipulations are inconceivable and very likely beyond your means.
Also, I will consider more than one candidate, as just one may not be able to maintain my pace.
Remember, this is a win-win situation. For both, or all, of us. Treat it like any other business arrangement.
If interested, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your qualifications and skills.