4.13.2008

A Long Time Coming

Ok, I'm going against my normal behavior and clearing the air once and for all. Now before either of you chicken-asses whine about this, don't bother. I don't care what you think about it, I don't care what you have to say about it. It's just the way it is, it's my blog, and I'm going to talk about it.

Who shall I start with? Hmmm...

Let's go with my "best friend". Get this one out of the way because I expected so much more from you than some desperate loser I met online. Eight years. I thought it was the real deal, for awhile. Two years we dated, 4 years we lived together, 8 years total, you were my best friend. I carried a torch for you a good portion of that time. When I gave it up and moved on, you suddenly realized you "loved me" and were afraid you were losing me. I'll get to that later.

How long was it we slept in the same house? How about the same bed? Now how many of those times did we have sex? That's right, none. Eight years, close friends, seeing each other every night, and not one time. I still remember the one time I found gay porn on your computer - you played it off as some sort of advert that came in with some application you downloaded. I didn't think a lot of it, but now I'm piecing things together. You're gay, aren't you?

Don't answer that. If you say no, you're lying and if you say yes, you let me waste 8 years of my life. Neither way makes you very endearing.

Back to the topic above. You realized I had one foot out the door and suddenly, out of nowhere, you speak up that you want a relationship with me. Oh but first off it was just a sexual relationship with no strings attached. When you realized that it hurt my feelings, you changed it to wanting me back. I figured eight years, fuck it, what can it hurt? You see, at this time the idea of getting you out of my life had never crossed my mind. You went through what I like to call your "Turning Over a New Leaf Phase" where you weren't anything like the asexual person I had met in the beginning and spent so much time with. Not that you ever initiated sex, of course, because that would just be too much, but you started cooking for me, spending your lunch breaks at my house, visiting me at work, buying me shiny things. You know, all the things you didn't do when we were together. It was nice, for awhile, but even kissing you was like kissing my brother. I never told you that, of course, until now. Gradually, you changed back to what you were before. The cooking stopped. You didn't try holding my hand when we went out. You didn't see me on your lunch breaks. Little things to most people, little things to me, but big things when referring to you. These things just weren't you.

I love gay men. Absolutely. And I would have loved you if you had told me you were gay. But my adoration of gay men does not expand to covering for them. I am not a decoy; I don't want to play your cover up girlfriend.

Then things went further downhill. I always spent a good deal of time online, but the reasons had changed. I met someone online, and you played off that you didn't care for a long time. When you reverted to your original form, suddenly, my time online got to you. I guess you felt you couldn't compete with him, I don't know. I do know that when I tried to talk to you about it, you closed down, told me it didn't matter what was wrong because it wasn't going to change. I stopped asking. Gradually, I stopped caring.

I think you realized this eventually, your visits became shorter, then fewer, until they practically stopped altogether. The last time I saw or heard from you was Xmas Eve, when you came over to try to fix one of my speakers, on your way to your Dad's house. I gave it very little thought. I was involved with someone else...

And he lived 18 hours away. A big part of this story is here, but it's old news anyway.

Now you, I spent what, 5 years with? Well as "with" someone as you can be online. You fucked around on me. Color that whatever shade of rose you prefer, but it doesn't change a thing. I never got over it, and I don't think I probably even really forgave, but I did want to move past it with you. We did. I left you for three months. I had my own issues, and you weren't making those any better. You hated my "best friend" and he hated you, and that caused conflict all around, with me caught in the middle. You see, neither of you ever hurt each other. I came back, you said you still loved me, and I wanted to clear my conscience. We agreed to try again. We had our problems, of course, like every relationship, and I excused those as frustrations from the distance. I lied to myself. I let myself believe bullshit when the truth was really that you're a jerk. There's a reason you're single, and there's a reason you find women online. It could be a number of various reasons and probably a combination, take your pick. It would take me forever to analyze the possibilities, but it doesn't matter to me. I just know what I realized. You come across pretty well, playing into the things I look for in a man. You pulled it off well for quite awhile, and I did love you. But somewhere along the line, you changed. It was like you were fighting to get back the balls you lost when you were begging me back and trying to mold yourself into what I would find appealing. Suddenly, things that didn't bother you before, were issues worthy of drawn out fights. For example: I always gave you grief over your meat-eating habits, but out of nowhere, you were pissed off. You used to tell me you were going vegetarian, and then you informed me you never would. Accused me of trying to change you. Another example is when you abruptly told me you were never moving here. Said if I cared so much I could move to you, but I must not care that much. I never once said I'd move, you did. You said it all along. And no, I didn't care that much.

I stuck with it through a few of your personalities, all more disturbing than the last. You were insanely jealous, insecure. Your next personality was the opposite; so determined to show me how secure and not jealous you could be, that you pushed me away. Lastly, your personality shifted to simply hateful. You are an angry, bitter person, and a greater asset to me out of my life than you were in.

I gave you every chance, more chances than I've ever given anyone, and many more than you deserved.

You are both dramatically different from each other in so many ways. But you also both have some things in common. You're both cowards, and you're both untrue to yourselves. One of you pretends to be something he's not, for whatever reason. The other can never have what he wants because he has nothing to give.

You were both very important fixtures in my life for a fair amount of time. It sounds so corny, but I feel free. I'm free from my "Friend" with whom the relationship was going nowhere, and now I can have a real relationship with somebody, I can have real friends, I can move on without feeling guilty for leaving you behind. I'm free from my "Boyfriend" who lived many miles away and wasn't stable enough himself to provide me any stability. I don't have to sit at home now, online every night, to spend time with you. I don't have to wonder why you keep changing. I don't have to hear your tone of disapproval when I go out with friends and I'm not here to chat with you through Yahoo. I don't have to answer to either of you about where I'm going and who I went with, and best of all, I don't have to worry about your feelings. There's a saying that goes "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I honestly thought you both lifetimes. I'm glad you're not.

I do want to thank you both for everything you did for me throughout the years, mostly, I want to thank you both for making me realize I really don't need either of you. And thank you for making me see that I can do better. I can do so much better.

I don't wish you either bad lives, nor good lives. I don't wish you lives at all. You're both dead to me. My mourning period was curiously short and filled with relief and awakening instead of sorrow and regret. I am better without you. I can be me.

This post is my memorial. It has been a long time coming. Neither of you will ever be mentioned again. I'm letting the dead lay. I have no regrets.

Goodbye.

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