The Cat Caper

We're going to call it the Caper because I stole the cat from another cat.

Here's the story:

There's a pretty little brindle kitty that appeared on my doorstep one day - a wound on her head, oozing and infected looking, but didn't appear to be deep. We (mom and I) tried to catch her, thinking she needed to go to the vet. She was having none of that business. So we fed her.

And fed her.

Cats don't go away when you feed them. Nope.

They bring their friends.

Her head healed, and she continued to return to my house every night. Gradually, she warmed up to us a little bit, she'd meet me at the sidewalk when my car pulled up.. I'd leave in the morning and she'd be waiting for me. My mom met a woman that does cat rescue. Finally, in July of '08, we brought her to my house, we bribed kitty and she let me pet her, and then pick her up. When I began to lower her into the crate though, she postalized, and tore my hand up. She wouldn't get near me for awhile, but she continued to come for food.

Over the next few months, I also tried catching Kitty in the crate, with a blanket, and then putting out a hav-a-heart trap. All of which proved futile.

Lately, there have been more cats at my house in the evenings. Two black ones, a long haired gray one, a gray tiger-stripe. The two gray ones are scared, as is one of the black ones. But the newest black cat..

Well, he's evil.

I came home this evening, after dark - got out of the car to hear a horrible, mournful crying sound. I confess, it chilled me. I went to my door, where cats just scattered - four of them. I realized I had left my dome light on and returned, followed by Kitty and The Evil One, to my car to shut it off.

Long story short, The Evil One was bullying Kitty. I don't know a damn thing about cats, true, and maybe it was one of those "they really, really like each other" episodes, but I didn't care.. She was scared. By the house, she ran up behind me, between me and the door.. Leaving me between her and The Evil One. I told him that he needed to leave. He hissed at me. I kid not, that fucking cat began circling me, like a one cat pack of felines, hissing like he'd just been doused with holy water.

No good. This is still my house, run by dogs and surrounded by cats, but it's still mine.

Have I mentioned I can't stand cats?

I can't.

But he's a bully and she's half his size, and there will be no bloodshed on my porch. And especially not the cat that has been using me for the past 9 months. Oh hell no.

I came inside, told mom she'd better get her cat friend on the phone, I was catching a cat. I grabbed a can of cat food, dumped it into a bowl, took off my coat (I couldn't move well in that thing), pulled on some gloves, and looked out my screen door. He was stalking her. She was curled up against the door. He looked up and glared at me. She turned around and clung to the screen, "let me in!" I heard it, whether you believe she said it or not. He hissed at me.

Oh hell no.

I opened my door, pushed her back as she tried to run in, taught The Evil One a few words that the Devil himself probably hadn't heard, grabbed the snow shovel on my porch, and to my amazement - he didn't back down.

{Ok, I wouldn't have really hit him with it, but there's something wrong with this cat - because this shit ain't natural.}

I tell him, again, calmly, that he needs to leave. He starts clawing at me, like he was her.

Now I'm pissed beyond pissed.

I drop the shovel, throw the bowl of food into the back of the crate I had left on the porch to keep her warm, flipped it around away from The Evil One and told her to get her ass inside.

She did.

But she stopped with about 3 inches of her tail sticking out. I shoved her ass in and slammed the door.

Now she's pissed too.

Go ahead.. Ask me if I care.

I go back inside, tell mom to come on, and grab some trash bags to line my back seat with. This crate's been outside for quite awhile, and it has an old blanket in there that's frozen from all the snow/melting/freezing we've had going on lately. We load her into the car. The Evil One watches.

I tell him one last time that if he scratches me, I'll hunt him down and pluck every sharp little claw out of every one of his four vicious little feet.

He hisses at me.

I call him a few names that aren't even fit to say on facebook, and we leave.

We go pick up the cat lady, emergency call the vet and tell them we have a cat that they need to take in and check over tomorrow. This vet had been consulted about this exact cat months ago - and he said to catch her and bring her in. I'm sure he thought that so much time had gone by it wasn't happening. So the vet on call calls the vet we consulted months ago, and asks what she should do. Our vet responds, "oh whatever."

We've called him a few times in the middle of the night.

Thanks, dude. Seriously.

We meet the on call vet, she gets Kitty out of the crate and into a cage. Kitty's not amused at first, but then it seems she realizes - as she did in the car - that finally, it's warm and she's comfortable.

We tell the vet that we want her tested for everything - Feline Leukemia, FIV, all other kitty maladies, and have her spayed. I tell them that under no uncertain terms she is to be euthanized without consulting us first.

We didn't take her off the street to have her killed.

Not happening.

Cat-lover or not.

She was calm when we left. Will know more tomorrow.

My neighbors probably think I'm a crack whore, having a stand off with a hissing demon on my front porch. I've become the crazy cat lady.

And I don't even like cats.

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