Playing Feline Midwife - Unsuccessfully

As soon as Ginger (the cat we took to Nebraska, and yes, I realize I never wrote the final installment to that story, but I will) left, another cat showed up to take her place. This one was a little short-haired steel gray thing. Much sweeter than Ginger (Ginger was sweet later, but not at first. Recall me getting my hand torn up.) Anyway, we fed this cat too and before long she began looking like she'd swallowed a bowling ball. Lovely. We now have a stray cat full of waiting-to-be-born stray kittens.

Have I mentioned I don't like cats?

That being said, I came home last night and here comes Kitty, meeting me at the gate. I reach down to pet her and she rolls over on her back. Ah, shit. I go inside to get a blanket and come back out to find her in a little cuddle bed that I put out there for them quite awhile back. The bed is cold and wet from all the rain we've gotten lately. Upon closer examination, I see that she's partly delivered a breech Kitten #1.

Between the nasty old bed and the dead unborn kitten, it was really a pathetic sight. I waited a few minutes to see if she was pushing and sure enough she was. Kitten #1 is stuck.

Ah, shit.

I head inside to get some gloves and a few towels. Back outside I snap on the gloves, wrap a towel around the dead kitten, wait for a contraction and pull.. With no luck. I try loosening the kitten with my fingers.. With no luck. Mind you, I've never delivered kittens before, but I know the basic idea. I called the vet on call, who just so happened to be the one that always gets called in the middle of the night by us. He tells me to "just pull it out". Umm.. That's not working, Doc. He wants me to "stick a finger up there and..." No, Doc, no go. Doc, I'm trying, and this ain't working.

"She's a stray cat, isn't she?"

Yes, but she isn't dying on my porch. Not on my watch.

"Oh, fine. Bring her out."

Thanks, dude. Seriously. Again.

I load up Kitty and take her to visit him. He puts her on the table and proceeds to do the things that I tried to do with no luck. He too, has no luck. The whole time this is going on, I'm holding on to her and would you know - she's not scratching me, not trying to bite me. Yeah, I was shocked too.

After what seemed like an eternity, he pulls out this little slimy dead thing. It's little arm had gotten hung up inside of her while it was trying to come out tail first. Doc said it was impossible to tell if it had been dead before getting caught up, or died because of.

The other little stomach lumps are moving around in there, but don't appear ready to make an exit (or entrance to the outside world, whatever). Doc draws some blood and checks for FeLV.

It's negative. (Ginger was positive.)

He tells me I can keep her overnight and cat-sit to make sure the remaining babies come out alright (he's pretty sure they will) or he can keep her there and if they're not delivered by morning, he'll take them cesarean. Seeing as I have absolutely no place to keep a cat due to my canine critters, I choose option number two.

This morning, a c-section gave us two kittens.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with three cats?

Seriously. What?

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