Not Who I'm Supposed to Be

This is one of those posts that may never see publication. I may delete it before I finish, I may save it indefinitely thinking I'll publish it someday. I may publish it, then change my mind and delete it later. Regardless, I'm typing it now.

Today has been an emotionally rough day so far. We covered End-of-Life in class this morning, and a fourth of the class had to leave. Those of us that stayed through the entire thing were dismissed early at 10:30, instead of 12:30. We've all been there, touched by death in some way. Some people handle it exceptionally well, gaining envy from those of us that cannot. When we lost my Great-Grandma on October 6th of last year, I cracked. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function at work or school. I flunked 3 of my 7 classes I took that semester, destroying my GPA. I just couldn't get it together. Her death was an "easy" one, whatever that means. Actually, I do know what that means - it means she didn't suffer. It was very quiet. She didn't have the death rattle (and if you have ever heard this you know, and the sound will never leave you), and she just appeared to sleep. I told her that we didn't want her to go, but understood that she needed to. I told her she'd be missed, but that I promised we'd be ok. I'm still not, but I'm getting there slowly. I stayed until 2 in the morning with her, until her daughter came in and spent the rest of the night. She died not long after I left - I've been told since that it was thought that she waited for me to leave. The only time my family can get along, is when someone has died.

I can't continue that aspect of my post.

About an hour ago, I was sitting here, in front of my computer playing Vampire Wars on Facebook. I started thinking about things, just random things, and it occurred to me that I'm not who I'm supposed to be. Things just aren't right. I have dated several men lately, that I knew were going nowhere. Saturday evening I went out with a guy that a friend (coworker) introduced me to. He made a few snide, nervous sounding comments that I can't remember specifically. He told me he's on parole for aggravated robbery; just got out of prison not long ago. We went to a bar. That's something else I've been doing more frequently lately. Not as often as I did in my early 20's, but I haven't really been a drinker in about 10 years. I also smoke when I'm drinking now - and I quit that 5 years ago. I had him bring me home at the end of the night. After he left, I texted him and said "It's best if you don't contact me again." I then blocked his number. The friend that introduced us, I texted her also asking her to tell him not to contact me again. I blocked her number as well. Seriously, what kind of friend sets you up with a convict? I've got enough issues of my own. I blocked 4 phone numbers that night. Including two other men that I've been seeing infrequently. I just.. can't find men that I really like. The one that I truly want to be with, doesn't want to be with me. And in a way, I think it's jaded me. The standard of him is one that will be difficult to match.

It's not that I'm looking for a relationship, because I'm not. I'm not closed to the possibility, but I'm also not ready for the commitment. The same friend who introduced me to the last guy told me I shouldn't focus on men, and just concern myself with school and my girl friends. She's right. Except my female friends are as bad as the guys. And she's a prime example.

School. I saw a t-shirt that says "I knew nursing school would be hard.. But DAMN!" And it's true. I spoke with a 2nd year student awhile back that told me he's taking "happy pills" to get through it. I'm starting to think he has the right idea. As I mentioned before, I'm having a really rough time with school and working too. I'm not sure how I'll end up handling this yet. I put in for vacation at my job the week of Thanksgiving. I've been there over a year, and I'd like to have my vacation (first vacation I've ever actually taken from work) before I quit. I've also put in for PRN jobs in surrounding (close) cities, but haven't gotten response yet. I used to love my job, but I'm beginning to resent it now. I used to love my residents, and honestly, now there's only a few left that I feel any real emotional attachment to. Not that I wish to see any harm come to any of them, that isn't what I'm saying at all. I'm just not attached. My favorite resident died a couple months ago, after a stay in the hospital. She was the coolest elderly woman on the planet. I'd give her pills at night and she'd hold them in her hand, palm up and say "goodbye cruel world". We (a CNA and I) asked if she'd like us to bring her nightgown so she could change for bed. She told us she wasn't going to "do a striptease for you girls". I asked if she'd prefer us to bring in some men, and she could strip for them. She winked at me and said "don't clap, just throw cash." I absolutely adored her. I used to say that when she was gone, I wouldn't be back to work. I've gone back since, but it hasn't been the same for me. Emotionally, I think I have left there.

I've gotten strangely good at letting people go.. And at the same time, there are a few I can't seem to shake off. The guy mentioned above as example. I went through my phone the other day, my email, and deleted and/or blocked what I've perceived to be negative relationships. Is 'toxic' a strange word to use? I've had bad relationships, I've had painful relationships, but on occasion there's a relationship that can only be described as toxic. I'm judging toxicity by it's ability to harm more than it heals.

Blah. Anyway. I'm not who I'm supposed to be. This isn't me. I'm not supposed to be this desensitized person who feels like she's self destructing. I'm not this unforgiving, this able to walk away from people and never look back. I'm not judgmental. I'm not a barfly with a cigarette in my hand. I'm not really as cruel to myself as I have been lately. I'm not unkind. But right now, I am. So I'm posting it here (and I really plan on hitting "publish post") and I'm putting it down.

It's well past time for a change.


Ah Leen said...

very pretty blog skin. :) Cheers.

Symphony of Love said...

We are bound to go through bad times in our lives and all those times will pass.

Toni said...

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately, we really need to make a date to chat and catch up.

Take care of yourself Vix and I really hope things work out for you.

Laurie said...

I appreciated your kind comment on my blog, and am happy to sincerely return the favor.

Your insight into yourself and your difficult times right now is a giant neon sign saying you'll make it through fine!

Losing people we love (your great-gram AND the lovely feisty resident) takes a tremendous toll and we often think we should just get over it -- but it takes time and work.

Hang in there and much joy to you in the future.

aka Octobia

melissa said...

i went through the same thing 10 years ago. my nervous breakdown period. instead of dating a convict, i dated someone my "best friend" paid. needless to say, i did the same. blocked them both. then went on a self distruction rampage.
hang in there. takes a while but it gets better!!