Case Studies in Stupidity: Volume VIII [Bath Salt Sodomy]

Presently, my popular blog post (after 7 years of blogging, mind you) is Bath Salt Bolt Down. SEVEN years of blogging and this post is the most searched. Not the most comments, nope, because the people searching for bath salts on the World Wide Web aren't looking for my expertise, no way, they're looking for honest-to-god bath salt business. Well this is awkward. It is okay though, because I've always known my readers are a little freaky.

So I'm sitting here this fine evening and after being notified (thanks, Blogger) of my blog stats, I decided to dig up a bit more bath salt goodies for your reading enjoyment.

I don't think I posted this one before, but even if I did, it's worth a re-mention, trust me.

Miami Bath Salts Lead to Sodomy Induced Zombie Apocalypse: "When the police officer finally responded around 2 pm he found a naked man lying on top of the other naked man eating his face."

Here's the picture supplied with the article:

Rarely have I been so frightened and incredibly turned on at all the same time. If all zombies look like this, I'm going to be a Walker in no time.

This article leads me to mention of "emosexual music" Emosexual music? Really? My worldly knowledge and unsheltered existence is being challenged - I've never heard of this. There is much I'm finding on the web these days that make me rethink my own insanity. I'm looking pretty damn normal anymore.

"The emosexual is typically nocturnal and comes out at night. The emosexual serves little threat to the christian as most everyone looks down on him. There is little threat that he will procreate with your daughter (unless she is a witch) and as he is to lazy, and seldom escapes the confines of his bedroom in his parents house, poses little threat of contamination to good christian young adults."

O-KAY. Here's where I begin to question this sites genuinity (yes, "genuinity" is kind of a word) of this site. "Conservative values for an unsaved world". Huh? I read on to see posts titled things such as:

FarmVille attacks Christianity with dinosaurs and homogay animal sex acts: "It is quite possible, for example, to position an emu so that it appears to be sodomising a corgi, or to place a wombat so that it appears to be performing analingus (or “farm-rimming”) on a crocodile." "Farm-rimming"! You read it here second, folks!

Chinese Superscientists Create Fluffy Fly Moth Puppy: "...combined the genes of a fluffy cottoncoat llama, a chinchilla, an adorable puppy and a fly to create a genetic chimera..." Which I must say is abso-fuckin-lutely ADORABLE!

Dinosaurs are evil!!!: "I was literally shivering, coated in sweat, asking God to deliver my soul from the evil I saw." Well I admit, T-Rex's upper extremity bone structure is a little unusual, true. But evil? Maybe not so much.

Atheists Commision Painting of Jesus Playing Beer Pong with Apostles: "Alright, atheists, hardy-har-har."

Bat mouthsex and squirrel autofellatio — signs of the End Times?: "Cape ground squirrels of Namibia fellate their own twiddle rompuses, using their hips to thrust their little sciuridaean sin-sticks in and out of their own little bucky-toothed mouths. Even more shockingly they then swallow their own salty squirrel baby gravy pram fat!" Twiddle rompuses? Sin-sticks?! Salty squirrel baby gravy pram fat?!?! (Sin-sticks is brilliant by the way!)

Oh my Jesus. This site CANNOT be real, right? It HAS to be satire, right?! Come on people.. I KNOW it's a joke, but I can't find proof of this. I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know! But I'm totally LOVING it. This is the best shit I've read, like, ever.


Edited to add: Wikipedia has informed me that Christwire is a satirical site. How have I never heard of this before?! I still say it's beautiful, simply beautiful, and they have a fan for life.


Anonymous said...

You've dug up some pretty unnerving stuff there & in this mad world, i'm not entirely sure the writers were actually joking.

Is it a conspiracy that The Discovery Channel has stubbornly overlooked these self-sucking squirrels so far?

It's all better than bath-salts anyday!

Vixen said...

This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands :)